If I’m being honest, and I am, I’ve been sliding a bit in the food department. The massive, meticulously planned binges are hopefully a permanent thing of the past, but I have resumed the nightly chocolate thing. Not terribly out of control, but there. I’ve grown a little weary of the effort preparing whole, healthy meals requires. There were no vegetables in my dinner last night. Actually, I just kind of picked around what my kids ate. I’m getting lax with my nutrition and am paying the price in zits and low motivation for life.
My body really does show me what it wants, what it likes. Sometimes I don’t want to listen. Sometimes it’s just easier to go to In-N-Out. I don’t want to shop, to cook, to clean. It’s exhausting. Life is relentless. So I guess I’m tired. And you know what the funny thing about that is? I ignore that, too. I’m falling asleep on the couch at 9:30pm every night and forcing myself to stay awake until 11ish. And for what? I feel like I have a right to that alone time. I deserve it after taking care of the kids all day. I don’t want to get short-changed on me time because I’m tired.
When I made the decision to surrender to my workout routine, I also decided to make my body a higher power. Self-will certainly hadn’t helped me when it came to my health. My preference was to sit on the couch watching Real Housewives, drinking wine and eating pizza and ice cream. That was my reward for just getting through another day. The problem is that my reward was killing me, albeit slowly. So I accepted that my way wasn’t working and surrendered to the signals of my body. I did it in a loving way. Muscle soreness means keep exercising and acute pain means stop. If there aren’t any vegetables in the house, load the kids in the car and drag my ass to the store instead of making mac & cheese. When I’m tired I go to sleep, even if I’m 2 weeks behind on Homeland. My body sends the message and it is my responsibility to listen no matter what. I let go of ego either telling me I deserve something or am not worth the effort and become willing to just follow directions.
This practice has worked so well for me for the last six months. I’ve been able to change my health and fitness in ways I used to dream about. Today it is sliding, and I don’t like that. I’m having more and more fantasies of reward and feelings of, “What’s the point anyway?” I’ve been thinking I’d like to rededicate myself to using my body as a higher power (not THE higher power), and I’d like to start with my sleep. Sleep is so important, and I’m disrespecting my God-body every single night. I want to say that I’ll start tonight. I could. I could just let go. That would certainly be something!