Of course

Been swimming along.  Am writing now because I don’t know what else to do.  I’m in my 9th step.  Have made amends to my husband and my mother.  Both were great, and then I fell into sort of a waiting period.  I wanted to make amends to my dad, get the biggest, closest ones out of the way before I moved on to the outer rungs.  But sponsor says it must be in person (duh), and a trip to Utah just isn’t feasible logistically or financially for me right now.  So I guess I got stuck there.  I guess I have been unwilling.

I have just started to read Drop the Rock with a group of friends.  Perfect!  I’ll just nip those pesky defects in the bud, and we’ll be good to go for the rest of my amends.  Dishonesty, judgement, superiority… BE GONE!  After all, I want to be in tip-top spiritual shape before I start looking up people I haven’t spoken to in years.  Hilarious.  Our last reading showed me how wrong I have it.  My defects don’t get gently plucked from my being while I peacefully sleep.  Oh no no no.

A program of action.  “Act, and God will act.”  All that crap.  So I just opened up the notebook and looked at my 8th step list, and don’t want to talk to any of these people.  When I made the list with my sponsor, I was thinking, “I’m so fucking willing.  No big deal.  I’m going to kill this 9th step.”  Not so much.  I’m terrified.  I really do not want to move forward with this, but I just know intuitively it is what is keeping me stuck right now.

Last night my husband made a joke that he’s already planned that if he goes out his first drink would be a White Russian.  I lol’ed and in the blink of an eye descended into a technicolor fantasy that began with a Manhattan and conveniently omitted all the terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair.

I’m going to meetings.  I’m praying.  I’m reaching out to newcomers and others.  I’m not supposed to get blind sided like that.  It’s infuriating and makes me feel like I’m failing.  It’s depressing.  I want to be better.  Unfortunately I don’t get better until I start acting better.  Damnit.

I could use some ESH.  Even if it’s a story of how you looked up someone to make amends and it went terribly.  I’m not the first drunk to do a 9th step.  Hell, my wrongs really aren’t even that bad.  Just want some inspiration.