Be Here Now

I am just back from a hypnotherapy session and have had a breakthrough?  Hit a bottom?  Seen the light?  Who knows, but I’ve decided I need to change.

The session was directed at removing obstacles that may be holding us back.  As I’m sitting there listening to the hypnotherapist suggest that we pick out some specific barriers to work on, I have the realization that step 6 and 7 are unfolding in front of my face.  Barriers, obstacles, character defects, shortcomings – shit that gets in my way of usefulness and ultimately my happiness.

At the beginning of the year, I chose a word for the year.  My word was, “Here.”  As in, be in the present moment.  In addition I chose two words I wanted to let go of.  Those were judgement and comparison.  I haven’t been thinking much about “here,” but from time to time do think about the judgement and comparison.  Today I chose to work on perfectionism, judgement and comparison.  Those 3 guys cooperate so nicely, total partners in crime.

So I’m hypnotized and trying to give up the mental fight of needing to understand and needing to be right.  Things are going okay.  Towards the end she had us visualize our old selves.  Of all the images I had in the session, this was by far the most clear.  Heavier, yes, but mostly I noticed my face.  Pale, puffy and just so sad.  Helpless.  Blank.  And here’s where my subconscious fucked me.  I was sitting on this blue barstool that is in our family room/kitchen.

My husband has complained about it for who knows how long?  My mom has made several comments.  My 4 year old has begged me.  My 2 year old clawed at my legs.  I have spent a lot of time sitting in that chair.  It’s where my computer is.  It is where my computer was.

I’ve known it was a problem for a while now, but I really just don’t know how to function without it.  I even felt a little weepy during the car ride home.  I got such a clear message, and I’m not in the business of ignoring these things anymore.  What about all the stuff I’m going to miss?  I’ll be out of the loop!  People will forget about me!  I’ll lose all my friends!

No need to get dramatic.  I’ve just decided to move the laptop out of our main living space.  Maybe I can set aside designated times to delete spam and touch base with my online peeps.  I heard Iyanla Vanzant once say something to the effect that not giving your attention to the person who is in your presence is spiritually abusive.  That hit a slight nerve because I knew I was doing this to my husband and children day in and day out.  But like a true alcoholic I told myself that I’m not that bad.

The truth is it is bad!  Facebook is probably my primary means of escape right now, and I don’t want to lose it.  I’m a stay at home mom.  There is only 1 more week of summer camp.  I have the whole month of August ahead of me where I will be faced with the challenge of staying “here” with my kids and not mentally disappearing online.  Online where I’m prone to judgement and comparison.

So I’m pouting and broadcasting from a different room in the house.  I felt it was important to write this out.  Thank you to a God I do not understand.  I get it.  I’m open.  Let’s do this.