Never say never, but I think this will be my last Whole30 for quite some time. The first time around I got so much out of it. I really became aware of how certain foods affect me, and that makes it so much easier to make good food choices. I think it’s hard to refuse the burger and fries just because they are unhealthy. Not so hard to refuse when it is going to wreck you digestively for 24 hours. Y’all know I’ve hemmed and hawed over this 2nd round. I’m proud that I’ve finished, but I’m glad to be finished.
Suspect I’ve lost some more weight, and I wrote about the bit of anxiety it was causing. Yesterday in therapy I made an amazing discovery that really this just comes down to not trusting my own body. As long as I am responding to my hunger and fullness, making the best choices for my body and keeping a conscious eye on my emotional eating, my body is going to find it’s right place. Maybe it’s less weight, maybe it’s more. Today I’m open to whatever comes.
Many of us are so used to relying on external cues to tell us we are okay. Corporations trying to sell us shit have told us what our bodies are supposed to look like. We become fixated on numbers on the scale, dress sizes, body fat percentages, etc. as an indicator of whether we are good and normal. I’m suddenly aware that it is impossible to love your own body if you’re looking at someone else’s as the ideal. A wise friend of mine offers the reminder, “Eyes on your own paper.”
One thing I’ve learned over the past year is that just like my alcoholism is a symptom of a spiritual disease, trying to change my body from the outside in is a symptom of not trusting myself.
I came across this article the other day. I can’t tell you how much I love it. From an early age I was told that I was dramatic, sensitive and prone to overreacting. Looking back, I was just expressing normal emotions and the people around me were so emotionally repressed that they didn’t know how to deal with it. When I suffered a trauma in my teens, I was told to, “Pull it together,” because my behavior was embarrassing. I don’t fault my mom for that; she didn’t have the whole story.
When everyone around you is telling you that your emotions aren’t right, eventually you start to believe it. Eventually you stop trusting yourself. Eventually you become so out of touch with your feelings, that you’re hard-pressed to label them when asked. I used to get upset and have no idea why. Many times I’d find myself in an argument with my husband and just be making a best logical guess at why I was agitated. I felt totally separate from my feelings.
I want to make some kind of poignant wrap-up, but must to return to the land of diapers and dishes. You get the gist, right? If I can’t trust my emotional feelings and myself, how on earth can I expect to trust my physical feelings and my body. Have you ever been gaslighted?