Whole30 Day22 and why losing weight is scary.

Feels like I’m in the final stretch of this Whole30 nonsense.  A week ago today I decided I was going to quit.  I announced to my food group that I was going to announce to my Whole30 group that I was turning in the towel halfway through.  It makes me laugh now.  A few posts back I talked about feeling a sense of responsibility to the people who were doing it for the first time.  Well that delusion persisted and suffocated me until I got to that place of “fuck it.”  I’m grateful to have a very wise, sober friend who gently suggested, “You know, you don’t have to tell anyone what you are doing.”  And just like that the situation deflated.  Listen folks, I’m just not that important.  I’m not saying this in the spirit of putting myself down, but to acknowledge that I had ventured beyond right-sized and into grandiose.  The only person I’m responsible for is myself.  Ahhhhhh, what a relief!

Over the past week I’ve noticed my pants fitting loser once again.  I touched on this in my last post, but a strange something is going on in that I am not necessarily thrilled by the weight loss.  I don’t weigh, so I only go by how I feel.  When I look in the mirror I feel mostly happy with my body and sometimes I love it.  I feel really feminine and strong.  So when I put on a relatively new pair of jeans and found that the butt was sagging, I noticed that I felt a bit of panic rising in me.  Part of it was that I don’t want to fork out money for new clothes, but behind that was the thought, “But I like where I am.”  And delving deep down to the bottom was the belief that skinny = dangerous.

I didn’t totally acknowledge that thought at the time, but I could feel this little niggling discomfort at the idea of losing more weight.  I couldn’t put my finger on it until I read this post from In My Skinny Jeans.  When I met ED I was 15 and bottomed out after a real mind-fuck of a relationship.  Self-worth was nil and I stopped eating much of anything.  The thinner I got, the more attention I got and I found myself in some situations that feel very dark and sad.  Then we moved out of state.  I got a fresh start, came back to a normal weight and began blaming that normal weight as the reason why boys at this new school didn’t like me.  Never mind that my aura screamed “DO NOT DISTURB!”  When I finally was able to cobble together a relationship in college, I started eating with enthusiasm and couldn’t seem to stop.  When that relationship began to display some serious foundational cracks, I decided to learn how to purge.  It goes on and on like that.

It seems almost insane that I would never put it together until now.  Yes, Miss Skinny Jeans!!!  Sexuality.  Yes.  **deep sigh**  So I’m even more grateful to be on the path of discovering my erotic creature through feminine movement.  It sounds kind of silly when I type it out, but WHATEVER!  That is totally what I am doing and I think it’s fantastic and interesting!  From here on out I plan to post a link to the song I choose for my dance each week.  I’m two weeks behind so…

She absolutely loved this one:

She absolutely hated this one which was a surprise because I love this song!

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Getting Naked

I had the revelation that what I need is more “me” time (what a cliché!).  Then I’m doing the first exercise in Simple Abundance.  The prompt is to write down not resolutions for the new year, but the longings in your heart.  To my embarrassment the first thing that comes out is “to dance.”  Then I get an email about a promotion at a place where I used to dance.

I make a very rational plea to my husband via email.  This is a time commitment (the classes are 2 hours) and a substantial financial commitment.  He’s totally supportive in a way that makes me well up.

I take a deep breath and sign up.  I feel guilty about the money especially.  #2 on my list was to start working outside the house, so I hope that over the next few months maybe something will come up and I can think about bringing in some cash to cover my ass.

I’m nervous and excited.  I haven’t done this in sobriety.  All the buffers between me an myself stripped away.  Naked.  The other side of exposed and vulnerable is the truth.  And that is quite exciting.  Because watching this video I became aware that when I did S Factor before, I could only go so deep.  At the time I attributed it to my physical limitations and placed a lot of blame on my size and fitness level.  When I stopped going, I fantasized about one day coming back in shape and ready to kick some butt.  I really thought I only needed to change physically for things to fall into place.

I didn’t expect to get sober.  I took away the major barrier between me and myself.  Between me and everything… between me and God.  Really it wasn’t until I plugged in spiritually (not physically or even mentally) that things began to fall into place.  And now what once was a pipe dream has happened.  I’m stronger than I have ever been in my life.  More importantly I am ready to strip away the layers literally and figuratively.  I’ll be dancing again starting Sunday.