“Why the hell am I doing this?” Has been my prevailing thought regarding the Whole30 the last few days. Yesterday I almost threw in the towel. I was super busy, a wrench got thrown in the day and I ended up without any food for an extended period of time. I was starving, and all I had were the kids’s beef jerky and Pirate’s Booty. I hemmed and hawed about whether it would be better to just eat the jerky (which had sugar and soy) or stay hungry. Ultimately I decided to just deal with the hunger, but I was doing a lot of mental cussing about how stupid this was. Hungry = eat and I’m not interested in altering that equation.
Total honesty, I have snacked the past two nights after dinner. Apple with almond butter. Compliant, but snacking. The first night I was not hungry, but I was home alone. My husband is out of town, but my mom was here. She came into town for a friend’s 60th birthday party that night. A party I was invited to but declined because I didn’t want to deal with the seeing a bunch of people I hadn’t seen in a billion years without drinking. I also didn’t want to deal with other people’s drinking. But as she got dressed up and ready to go, I felt a little pang of missing out. I kind of wanted to go, even if I wouldn’t be drinking. Also got in a loop of thinking people will judge me for not coming. Whatever. So I was home alone and there was nothing on TV and I was too tired to read. So I ate a little.
Last night I was actually kind of hungry. Probably because of the food fuck up from earlier in the day and also dance. I guess I could have just had an extra meal, but went for the sweet thing. I don’t feel so bad.
Had my first class yesterday afternoon. I think it can be difficult to notice changes in your own body because they happen over time. I bend down to pick up something every day, every day it gets a little easier until one day it’s effortless without you even noticing. Last night I was doing movements I hadn’t done in a year, so to come back to them in a different body was… strange. I’ve lost some weight. Enough to make some things feel foreign. And the thing that was most shocking to me about that was that my reaction wasn’t, “Hooray, fabulous!” I had a little dissociation. Who’s body is this!? Very weird.