Of course

Been swimming along.  Am writing now because I don’t know what else to do.  I’m in my 9th step.  Have made amends to my husband and my mother.  Both were great, and then I fell into sort of a waiting period.  I wanted to make amends to my dad, get the biggest, closest ones out of the way before I moved on to the outer rungs.  But sponsor says it must be in person (duh), and a trip to Utah just isn’t feasible logistically or financially for me right now.  So I guess I got stuck there.  I guess I have been unwilling.

I have just started to read Drop the Rock with a group of friends.  Perfect!  I’ll just nip those pesky defects in the bud, and we’ll be good to go for the rest of my amends.  Dishonesty, judgement, superiority… BE GONE!  After all, I want to be in tip-top spiritual shape before I start looking up people I haven’t spoken to in years.  Hilarious.  Our last reading showed me how wrong I have it.  My defects don’t get gently plucked from my being while I peacefully sleep.  Oh no no no.

A program of action.  “Act, and God will act.”  All that crap.  So I just opened up the notebook and looked at my 8th step list, and don’t want to talk to any of these people.  When I made the list with my sponsor, I was thinking, “I’m so fucking willing.  No big deal.  I’m going to kill this 9th step.”  Not so much.  I’m terrified.  I really do not want to move forward with this, but I just know intuitively it is what is keeping me stuck right now.

Last night my husband made a joke that he’s already planned that if he goes out his first drink would be a White Russian.  I lol’ed and in the blink of an eye descended into a technicolor fantasy that began with a Manhattan and conveniently omitted all the terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair.

I’m going to meetings.  I’m praying.  I’m reaching out to newcomers and others.  I’m not supposed to get blind sided like that.  It’s infuriating and makes me feel like I’m failing.  It’s depressing.  I want to be better.  Unfortunately I don’t get better until I start acting better.  Damnit.

I could use some ESH.  Even if it’s a story of how you looked up someone to make amends and it went terribly.  I’m not the first drunk to do a 9th step.  Hell, my wrongs really aren’t even that bad.  Just want some inspiration.

6 thoughts on “Of course

  1. I just wrote a post entitled “Temptation.” My incident happened last week, so I know precisely how you are feeling, and I am the same way… nothing “out of order” with my spiritual life or my AA life. The feedback I received was… of course you thought about taking a drink, you are an alcoholic! Hopefully you are sharing about it in meetings, that did the trick for me.

    In terms of 9th step stories, I don’t have any great ones. I am far from finished, and am dragging my feet on most, but the ones I have done are the most important, and they went very well. If you are looking for a courageous Step 9 story, read Al K Hall-ic Anonymous’ blog. The title of the post is “My (very) Bad” (sorry, I stink at hyperlinks!), but I believe that will sufficiently motivate you to keep on keepin’ on!

    Glad to have you back, I have been hoping you are well!

  2. Read anything of Al K Hall and you’ll be inspired, motivated and comforted. I don’t know steps I’m afraid, as I don’t do AA. But what I imagine you need to do is…wait, not drink, let time pass, not drink, slowly inch forward, not drink, take care, not drink, go gently, not drink, and slowly but surely things will clear up, become easier, smooth over, or whatever it is your ‘things’ need to do. Sounds to me like you’re doing just great. Sending love, big sober love from New Zealand!! xxxx

  3. Good to hear from you! Glad you’re hanging in there.
    I guess some amends are best done face-to-face, but not always possible. I’ve written a few letters that I always shredded after, for those where it would harm more than help and when I wasn’t able to speak to the other person. Maybe writing a letter to someone would help?

    A White Russian huh? All that milk would just get in my way, lol. 😉

  4. From the day I stepped into my first AA meeting, I feared the 9th step. When I finally reached that step, I dreaded having to make amends to an old friend who I hadn’t spoken to in years. It was a toxic friendship and I feared her reaction. What I couldn’t do, God did for me. I had just given birth to my first daughter and was home with her. Out of the blue, this old friend calls me to congratulate me on the baby (she knew I was pregnant through mutual friends). Anyway, I took that as a sign from God and made my amends by phone.

    Once I completed this step, I felt so free and almost a sense of giddiness. I had a great sense of relief. God will truly do for us what we can’t do for ourselves. Trust in your higher power! I hope this helps.

  5. i’m touched to see me referenced here! Thanks so much for the blog love!

    My sponsor really helped me in my 9th Step because he basically said i have one week to do all of the ones i can (meaning the ones who live in Yeaman or the ones he agreed i could do by email) in one week. 7 days. That i had a deadline meant i didn’t have too much time to panic because i was worried about getting everything done.

    For my US family, i’ll be 9th Stepping them this summer.

    My scary 9th Step post TheMiracleIsAroundtheCorner mentioned is at http://alkhallanonymous.com/2013/03/22/my-very-bad/ if you care to read it. If you do, i can tell you that 2 months later, i still haven’t heard from the insurance company!

  6. It’s all in His time. I have a handful left, and while one or two I can do (ugh, unwilling?) the others I too have to wait…and see where it takes me. I rushed to do as many as I could at first. Then….nothing. Balked. Had to get back to step 8 and have the willingness. Even pray for the willingness to be willing. It’s not a race to get them all done (I thought like that), but these unfold as they need to. Doesn’t mean we don’t sit and do nothing, but for me, I know I need to get those one or two done. And perhaps doing those will open the door for the last few.

    As for who is next, it usually comes to me in contemplation and meditation. A face or building or something will pop up that will remind me or tell me who is next. I become open to getting guided.

    Good luck…nice to see you back as well.


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