My plan was to just post this video as my way to welcome in the New Year. Many days, this is how I feel about my sobriety. And it’s true. Things have started happening to me. My life has opened up immensely in the last 10 months. I hope 2012 goes down in history as the year I woke the hell up.
But I have little things to complain about. I got into self-pity yesterday as I saw Facebook friends embark out on sparkly, booze-fueled NYE celebrations. I didn’t do anything and neglected to plan to do anything. When my husband reminded me that he was going off to his men’s meeting, I nearly lost it. The good news is that the self-pity didn’t last for long. Earlier in the day, a friend was over for a playdate (our sons are the same age). She is someone who is obsessed with appearance and weight. Whenever I see her, the first thing she does is size up my body and make a comment. It’s usually positive, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable and furthermore is not the kind of behavior I want to be modeled in front of my kids. I’ve told her this. Yesterday when she did it, I pointed it out to her, and she told me she wasn’t going to stop just because I can’t take a compliment. Later that night, my Crossfit gym posted a picture of me at their NYE workout and this friend made a comment about me needing to get a tan.
I became enraged and spent the rest of the night seething. In a way it was good because I didn’t have any room for self-pity or fantasies about drinking. I alternated between plotting revenge and doing the “This is a sick man,” bit. I wrote a 10th step before bed. It was still the first thing I thought about when I woke up. I went to a meeting. I finally called my sponsor. I’m relieved and none too pleased with the solution.
I’m supposed to end the friendship. And I can’t do it in my usual way, which would be just to disappear in a fit of silent scorn. I’m supposed to tell her why and do it calmly. Not sure when I’ll gather the balls to do this, but I know that I shouldn’t continue to be friends with this person. She doesn’t respect me. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Her life kind of sucks, but pity isn’t a good foundation on which to build any relationship. Yuck.