My plan was to just post this video as my way to welcome in the New Year.  Many days, this is how I feel about my sobriety.  And it’s true.  Things have started happening to me.  My life has opened up immensely in the last 10 months.  I hope 2012 goes down in history as the year I woke the hell up.

But I have little things to complain about.  I got into self-pity yesterday as I saw Facebook friends embark out on sparkly, booze-fueled NYE celebrations.  I didn’t do anything and neglected to plan to do anything.  When my husband reminded me that he was going off to his men’s meeting, I nearly lost it.  The good news is that the self-pity didn’t last for long.  Earlier in the day, a friend was over for a playdate (our sons are the same age).  She is someone who is obsessed with appearance and weight.  Whenever I see her, the first thing she does is size up my body and make a comment.  It’s usually positive, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable and furthermore is not the kind of behavior I want to be modeled in front of my kids.  I’ve told her this.  Yesterday when she did it, I pointed it out to her, and she told me she wasn’t going to stop just because I can’t take a compliment.  Later that night, my Crossfit gym posted a picture of me at their NYE workout and this friend made a comment about me needing to get a tan.

I became enraged and spent the rest of the night seething.  In a way it was good because I didn’t have any room for self-pity or fantasies about drinking.  I alternated between plotting revenge and doing the “This is a sick man,” bit.  I wrote a 10th step before bed.  It was still the first thing I thought about when I woke up.  I went to a meeting.  I finally called my sponsor.  I’m relieved and none too pleased with the solution.

I’m supposed to end the friendship.  And I can’t do it in my usual way, which would be just to disappear in a fit of silent scorn.  I’m supposed to tell her why and do it calmly.  Not sure when I’ll gather the balls to do this, but I know that I shouldn’t continue to be friends with this person.  She doesn’t respect me.  I don’t want to hurt her feelings.  Her life kind of sucks, but pity isn’t a good foundation on which to build any relationship.  Yuck.

6 thoughts on “2013

  1. I feel like my video would be

    The cans! He hates the cans!

    I love you. Oh gawd, that’s so hard and I’ve soooo been there. Toxic friends only bring me down. Today I seek out friends who accept me and elevate me.

    Xoxoo happy new year, my hero

  2. Please, please, please, do a follow-up post and let us know the outcome. You and I have such similar personalities (at least, it seems that way to me!), and I cannot imagine having to do this, and yet I know it would be a tremendous growth experience. I am wishing you the best of luck with this challenge, and really look forward to reading how it turns out!

  3. “I’m in the phone book! I’m somebody!”

    It sucks when the right thing to do is also the hardest. Keeping one’s side of the street clean can be as painful as it is painstaking, but the feeling when it’s done is unbeatable!

    Happy New Year, my friend, and may 2013 have nothing but good things to say about you!

  4. I hate having to do big girl things. Breaking up with friends is the worst. But really, she sounds a little toxic and if she invokes this much rage and refuses to respect your opinion…I guess you and your sponsor came to the right decision.

    Doesn’t make it any easier though…good luck.

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