Last night we went to our Crossfit gym’s bowling night. I’d been turning over whether or not to go, ultimately deciding that we had to take advantage of free babysitting while my mom is here on Christmas break.
I’m ashamed to admit that besides a wedding at 60ish days, that was the first time I’ve been out socializing in the evening in over 10 months of sobriety. The first time I’ve been around other people drinking. I have the great excuse of two small children to get me out of a lot of stuff, but I’m starting to really feel the pull of wanting to be with people. To go out and do stuff. To have fun. To be normal.
So I put on some music and did my hair and makeup. Rocked out in my car as I drove to pick up my husband from work. The last time I did that I drank a bottle of champagne before getting in the car. I felt mostly good the whole night. Everyone except the two underage kids was drinking. I noticed the couple guys that showed up already smelling like bourbon. I didn’t have to explain not drinking to anyone. We left early, just as it seemed the party was getting started.
I was a little sad on the ride home. Last night brought into focus all the things alcohol did for me. Feeling separate, not knowing how to talk to people, feeling left out of inside jokes, not knowing what to do with my body. Of course people talk about this all the time at meetings, but I was bummed to find out just how bad I have it. And beyond wanting to ease the social anxiety, there is a want to be the center of attention. In total honesty, it’s not just that I want to blend in, I want to shine.
My husband was the life of the party when he would drink. At drinking events, he’s the person people would cheer for upon his arrival because it meant things were about to get more fun and interesting. And I missed that last night. These new friends won’t see that side of him, and I won’t get the adoration by association. Of course, the party friends don’t come home with you to see what happens at the end of the night.
I woke up with two little monkeys (and one big one) in my bed, and no hangover. On social media I saw that they continued the party. I feel like I’m missing out, but I also see that I’m not single and 24 anymore. Alcoholic or not, I’m a mother with no business drinking till 2am anyway.