A box arrived today containing gifts and a card from my father. I haven’t spoken to him in a year and a half after he showed up slurring and stumbling at my house on Easter. I’ve been holding off on contacting him until I get to my 9th step, but felt like I wanted acknowledge that I got the gift. I don’t know why I couldn’t leave it at a simple thank you note. I had to make it bigger, right? I regret this letter. Maybe one day I will learn.
I do think about you quite often. I’ve been wondering how I would begin communicating with you and what I should or shouldn’t say. I want to tell you that I’m not angry with you and that I love you. Up until this point, I have been unsure how to proceed because I do not know how to have a relationship with you without expecting and needing things. I see where these expectations about how I think things “should” be or what I deserve have lead me to be hurt. I want to be mindful moving forward that I do not get to call the shots when it comes to you or anything else in my life. I really have made the choice to turn my will and my life over to God. No one is more shocked by this revelation than myself, but I see how this approach to life brings the greatest amount of joy and serenity.
So today for me, this is a very delicate balance. Right now I try to prioritize my life as spirituality first, sobriety second, my health 3rd, my children and then my marriage. These are the things I will protect and defend before I try and do anything else. I don’t know what your hopes are, but my goal for our relationship going forward is to let go of the past and any expectations about how it “should be” in the future. I know previously I’ve taken your alcoholism personally, so the knowledge I’ve gotten in recovery should help me with that. I want to get to the place where I can be kind and tolerant no matter what you choose to do! That is difficult because my deepest hope is that you are sober and at peace because that would make things easier for me. And hey, it’s all about me, right?
I have been a terrible communicator up until this point, but the principles of AA are showing me how to stand in my truth. Whether or not you are drinking today, I know you have had a lot of AA in your lifetime. Maybe sharing the common language of recovery will help us communicate better moving forward. There are so many things that you and I have in common that I miss being able to talk to you about. It kind of sucks to add alcoholism to that list, but it is what it is and what matters is what I’m doing today. Today I’m doing chores, writing you, picking up Max from school, going to Crossfit, meditating, cooking dinner and not drinking. One foot in front of the other. I hope all is well in Park City.
I totally understand, I really appreciate the letter. If you can I would love some pictures. I think we both need some time. I’m just happy you guys are healthy and doing well.