I had a bad dream last night. It’s recurring. In this dream I’m pursuing my high school ex, trying to seduce him. This person was #2 on my resentment list. He was someone who manipulated, violated and humiliated me. These dreams always have me waking in tears because in them I know the truth about him, yet I still want him. I always wake up tearful and feeling so low, ashamed and desperate.
I’m doing The Chopra Center’s 21-Day Meditation Challenge, so I got up early before my meeting to get a meditation in. In my meditation, I had a lot of trouble shaking this dream and the bad feelings that came along with it. When it finally did go, what came in it’s place was thoughts of shopping. I started making lists of all the things I need to buy for myself. Just as I became aware of this thought, the meditation ended. I opened my eyes and realized that the thoughts of shopping were me running away from my feelings, trying to find an acceptable way to fill “the hole.”
The Sanskrit mantra for today’s meditation was Aham Brahmasmi — The core of my being is the ultimate reality, the root and ground of the universe, the source of all that exists. And now I’m not sure at what point this happened, but I think somewhere on my drive to the meeting I became aware that what had happened with my ex was a result of me losing touch with the core of my being. That what happened in my dream is actually what happened in the relationship. In small ways at first and then larger, I allowed him to behave in ways that I truly wasn’t comfortable with. I showed him that it was okay to treat me disrespectfully because I was trying to get something. I was trying to win. He was very popular, charismatic, sexual. All the girls wanted him, and he was a trophy for me. A way for me to prove not only my worth, but that I was better. And I was so desperate to be better, that I told that little voice inside me to shut up every time she peeped up to say, “This doesn’t feel right.”
I got a glimpse of this during my 5th step, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks and I saw the truth. I saw that I got used because I was using. There were a million warning signs that he was not a good person, but I denied them, denied the core of my being until it all blew up in my face. Then I retreated. I ran. I ate. I drank.
This is why the only solution is a spiritual solution. Aham Brahmasmi. To deny my true self is to deny the source, to deny God. That is what carves out the hole that can never be filled. He didn’t do that. I did it.
Aham Brahmasmi. This is why the answer is to get quiet. To listen. To meditate. Because the longer I listen, the louder it gets.