I’m Eating Chocolate Right Now

Pretty sure my keyboard is getting chocolate smudges.  I’m having a sweet attack and am just going to go with it.  I’m worried about my husband’s family in NY.  Sandy is approaching and each time we get on the phone they sound more and more scared.  My father-in-law said it is the worst storm he has ever seen and it hasn’t even touched down yet.

My dog has something wrong with her nose.  I’ve been trying to treat it for weeks and it’s getting worse.  I’m taking her to the vet in an hour and am already pissed off by the bill.  Whatever it is, and it’s always a lot, there isn’t room in the budget.

I got socked with a major drinking craving on Saturday that left me in tears.  We had an extremely rare date night planned, and I got upset that I couldn’t drink.  I played out the fantasy to then end, and even though it ended in me trying to drunkenly add up the babysitter’s money and then overpaying due to literal fuzzy math, I couldn’t shake it.  My 1st step is annoyingly solid sometimes.  Surprisingly what made me feel better was my sponsor telling me that at 16 years sober she gets craving every now and then.  She said that our natural state is to want a drink, and that made me feel like less of a freak.

So what do these three different things have in common?  Weather, illness, alcoholism?  Three things that I’m totally powerless over.  I’ve started reading Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron.  She was talking about control being an illusion.  The big things like natural disasters, sicknesses and oh yes, addictions smash that illusion to pieces.  It throws our powerlessness in our face, and that is quite uncomfortable.  I’ve managed to stop at 4 pieces and feel pretty satisfied.  A little chocolate and reflection goes a long way.

4 thoughts on “I’m Eating Chocolate Right Now

  1. wow.
    As i just sat down at the keyboard with a piece of chocolate I read this.
    As I just finished grocery shopping, panicking about food choices, crying and enjoying walking thru the wine aisles at Trader Joe’s I read this,
    As I panicked about the election and made my son crazy by trying to get him to make doctor and dentist appts RIGHT THIS MINUTE in case Romney wins I read this.

    That illusion of control, or the flip side not understanding what we DO have control over is undeniably powerful. The serenity prayer is genius, seriously, Nobel prize worthy.

    No chocolate, a bowl of steamed veggies. I can always have chocolate later.
    My own Pema.
    The support of my food whisperer….

    I too am uncomfortable with my powerlessness, and will be reflecting/writing.

    Thanks for this

  2. Sounds like you are doing well.. love all your introspection and trying to figure stuff out. So healthy and honest. And great that you didn’t buckle and drink on Sat night – I have stuffed up the babysitters money so many times!! Take care xxx

  3. A little chocolate, reflection, and support from people who care enough to send some positive, healing vibes. I hope you are weathering the storm–internal and, for your family, external–and that all goes well with your dog. I’m rooting for you.

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