It’s been almost a week since we got back from our trip to Arizona. I can’t call it a vacation. I’m pretty sure on vacations you visit beaches not relatives. It was a challenging week for me. We stayed with my mom. This trip being with her was like being with a walking, talking example of all of my least favorite character defects. I’m so much like her, and I hate that so much.
I have not named or listed my character defects, but boy they are sure easy to spot when another person is acting them out. Critical, judgmental, impatient, dismissive, insecure, people-pleasing. (There are, of course, more.) Actually the people-pleasing is one of my favorites because I’ll never forget the first time I heard someone in rooms say that it’s really people-manipulating. Now the term people-pleasing makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
My mom has this great way of never saying what she really wants and then being angry about not getting it. Or maybe she doesn’t. Who the hell knows? The point is that I’m constantly trying to predict what is going to make her happy. I’m modifying my own behavior and attempting to modify my husband’s and children’s behavior in order to keep things copacetic with her. It’s maddening. I knew I was doing this. I knew that it wasn’t going to work. I just didn’t know how to stop. Too much fear, I guess.
Anyway, I’m grateful to be home and back to my routines. My meetings, my gym, my food and most of all my giant Tempur-Pedic bed. I was in a real bad funk for the last 2 days of the trip. Having lots of drinking fantasies and getting real down that I was having them. I feel like I should be better than that shit now. I told myself they would pass and I’d start to feel peace again once I got my groove back. I was right.
I know eventually I’ll have to get better at venturing outside the bubble. Dining out, social functions, travel; I’ve really avoided those things in these last 8 months. Last night I went out to dinner with a group of sober gals and it was wonderful. Absolutely no remorse about the fact I cannot drink and gratitude for the reprieve.